Figkamtonk is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, generous warg.

Figkamtonk created matter five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Figkamtonk, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Figkamtonk, he will turn you into a tree.

Figkamtonk's most sacred site is Meidrim in Wales.

Figkamtonk's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear turquoise clothing.

2. Never think about thermodynamics.

3. Do not listen to music.

4. Do not take Figkamtonk's name in vain.

5. Always pray immersed in water.