Kapquatcem is a god.

It takes the form of an eight thousand metre long, able raven.

Kapquatcem created the planet Jupiter nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kapquatcem, it will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Kapquatcem, it will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Kapquatcem's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Kapquatcem's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Learn seven new languages a year.

3. Never eat nuts.

4. Never talk about fire.

5. Never eat green fruit.