Cemtarpfetbap is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, clever hamster.

Cemtarpfetbap created snails seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Cemtarpfetbap, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Cemtarpfetbap, he will attempt to scare you with hail.

Cemtarpfetbap's most sacred site is Denshawai in Egypt.

Cemtarpfetbap's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into pink rooms.

2. Never think ill of sick dolphins.

3. Never talk about stars.

4. Never mention cats.

5. Always help bats.