Fumpakyarp is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, slow crocodile.

Fumpakyarp created dark energy four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Fumpakyarp, he will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Fumpakyarp, he will turn you into a giant snail.

Fumpakyarp's most sacred site is Manja in Madagascar.

Fumpakyarp's Holy Commandments

1. Do not travel during autumn.

2. Heed all portents.

3. Never allow monkeys to witness sacred rites.

4. Never feed grapes to mice while wearing red shorts.

5. Never talk about pigs.