Zakbamwap is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely small, cheerful cow.

Zakbamwap created time and space seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Zakbamwap, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Zakbamwap, it will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Zakbamwap's most sacred site is Pialeia in Greece.

Zakbamwap's Holy Commandments

1. Do not fashion models of living things.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Never think about gravity near birds while wearing red hats and balancing three aluminium spheres on your chest.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Zakbamwap.

5. Do not shave your legs.