Quartnakcip is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, emotional octopus.

Quartnakcip created the planet Jupiter three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quartnakcip, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Quartnakcip, she will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Quartnakcip's most sacred site is Denshawai in Egypt.

Quartnakcip's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Quartnakcip.

2. Always cleanse your hands after touching lead.

3. Always help monkeys.

4. Do not record signs concerning dwarf planets.

5. Never sit in spring.