Tonkquatboss is a god.

She takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, astonishing crow.

Tonkquatboss created gold eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tonkquatboss, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Tonkquatboss, she will denounce you as a heretic.

Tonkquatboss' most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Tonkquatboss' Holy Commandments

1. Never think about enzymes.

2. Never write about bacteria.

3. Never feed lentils to gulls while wearing fawn rings.

4. Do not dye your hair turquoise.

5. Never eat strawberries on fasting days.