Tonkmapham is a god.

He takes the form of a very heavy, unjust beaver.

Tonkmapham created life three billion years ago.

If you believe in Tonkmapham, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Tonkmapham, he will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Tonkmapham's most sacred site is Dommerby in Denmark.

Tonkmapham's Holy Commandments

1. Always remove boots before touching aluminium.

2. Paint representations of stars on the walls of your dwelling place in indigo.

3. Never eat green fruit.

4. Tonkmapham loves great tits, so they must be honoured.

5. Do not travel during autumn.