Futmetarm is a god.

It takes the form of a minute, omniscient narwhal.

Futmetarm created a charm quark five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Futmetarm, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Futmetarm, it will think nothing of it.

Futmetarm's most sacred site is Finnmark in Norway.

Futmetarm's Holy Commandments

1. Do not cook food in pots.

2. Always remove tights before entering holy places.

3. Never gather three nematodes near wells.

4. Do not chop down trees.

5. Always pray immersed in water.