Lamken is a god.

He takes the form of a six thousand metre long, emotional snail.

Lamken created time and space five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lamken, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Lamken, he will turn you into a puffin.

Lamken's most sacred site is Hetta in Finland.

Lamken's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Never talk about nucleic acids.

3. Never cross crossroads at dusk.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.