Safcamwanvan is a god.

He takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, all-knowing gorilla.

Safcamwanvan created matter three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Safcamwanvan, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Safcamwanvan, he will be mildly annoyed.

Safcamwanvan's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Safcamwanvan's Holy Commandments

1. Pray only in firelight.

2. Run away if four pigs approach from the east.

3. Always face the west before speaking sacred words.

4. Never mark doors with green.

5. Never whisper while facing south.