Flanstafbaf is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely large, smart rhinoceros.

Flanstafbaf created viruses eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Flanstafbaf, she will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Flanstafbaf, she will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Flanstafbaf's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Flanstafbaf's Holy Commandments

1. Always cleanse your hands after touching carbon.

2. Never hurt otters.

3. Never speak aloud of signs.

4. Do not cook food in pots.

5. Pray only in shadows.