Lagbadzen is a god.

She takes the form of a very large, compassionate cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Lagbadzen created the Whirlpool Galaxy two million years ago.

If you believe in Lagbadzen, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Lagbadzen, she will curse you and those you beget for fifty two trillion years.

Lagbadzen's most sacred site is Farnetta in Italy.

Lagbadzen's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about the weak nuclear force.

2. Never record numbers.

3. Do not wear green clothing.

4. Do not sit at forests.

5. Never stain your arms with white.