Jopvenfen is a god.

It takes the form of a thin, duplicitous pigeon.

Jopvenfen created Asia four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jopvenfen, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Jopvenfen, it will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Jopvenfen's most sacred site is Issigeac in France.

Jopvenfen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not keep five sharks in a large pit.

2. Pray only in darkness.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Shun those given to greed.

5. Never eat tomatoes.