Bapnarlfig is a god.

It takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, deceitful tortoise.

Bapnarlfig created the universe four million years ago.

If you believe in Bapnarlfig, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Bapnarlfig, it will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Bapnarlfig's most sacred site is Dumadumana in Botswana.

Bapnarlfig's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate porpoises.

2. Do not commit murder.

3. Do not dye your hair blue.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Do not eat beans.