Zaklopjarn is a god.

It takes the form of a six hundred metre long, temperamental shrew.

Zaklopjarn created a photon seven million years ago.

If you believe in Zaklopjarn, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Zaklopjarn, it will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Zaklopjarn's most sacred site is Bertkow in Germany.

Zaklopjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Never go into pink rooms.

3. Always make sure there are no ducks in a room before entering it.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Never wear magenta stockings.