Flatquartyam is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, wise lobster.

Flatquartyam created a top quark five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Flatquartyam, he will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Flatquartyam, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Flatquartyam's most sacred site is Zhelaizhai in China.

Flatquartyam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not hurt mice.

2. Never talk about the inheritance of acquired characteristics.

3. Erect a large carbon sculpture of Flatquartyam on top of all buildings.

4. Always stare at clouds.

5. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.