Ortquatsad is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, intelligent crane.

Ortquatsad created carbon eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ortquatsad, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Ortquatsad, she will destroy your favourite planet.

Ortquatsad's most sacred site is Kerris in England.

Ortquatsad's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Aardvarks are not to be trusted.

3. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

4. Never look in ponds.

5. Ortquatsad must be the most important thing in your life.