Jopfabhak is a god.

She takes the form of a very long, flying gorilla.

Jopfabhak created a top quark eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jopfabhak, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Jopfabhak, she will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Jopfabhak's most sacred site is Borolong in Botswana.

Jopfabhak's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention rats.

2. Never sprint in holy places.

3. You must pray to Jopfabhak eight times a day.

4. Do not eat bread.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.