Lakwataf is a god.

She takes the form of an one thousand metre long, dishonest aardvark.

Lakwataf created an atom five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lakwataf, she will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Lakwataf, she will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Lakwataf's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Lakwataf's Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Lakwataf.

2. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

3. Always make sure there are no frogs in a building before entering it.

4. Learn six new languages a year.

5. Otters are not to be trusted.