Lancadlun is a god.

He takes the form of a thin, stupid tortoise.

Lancadlun created dark energy seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Lancadlun, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Lancadlun, he will curse you and those you beget for all time.

Lancadlun's most sacred site is Ringsted in Denmark.

Lancadlun's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Never think ill of sick ducks.

3. Always treat mice with great respect.

4. Never mention eagles.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.