Lamvonklarn is a god.

She takes the form of a three hundred metre long, dishonest crocodile.

Lamvonklarn created tapeworms seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lamvonklarn, she will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Lamvonklarn, she will turn you into a snail.

Lamvonklarn's most sacred site is Pedraza in Spain.

Lamvonklarn's Holy Commandments

1. Lamvonklarn must be the most important thing in your life.

2. Never pour water over plants.

3. Do not take Lamvonklarn's name in vain.

4. Look mercifully on unfortunate swans.

5. Pray towards the west.