Quillhamgat Labxucksat is a god.

It takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, egotistical turtle.

Quillhamgat Labxucksat created tapeworms nine million years ago.

If you believe in Quillhamgat Labxucksat, it will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Quillhamgat Labxucksat, it will destroy your favourite solar system.

Quillhamgat Labxucksat's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Quillhamgat Labxucksat's Holy Commandments

1. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

2. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Quillhamgat Labxucksat.

3. Never run near dolphins.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Always help monkeys.