Hitpadved is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, all-powerful raccoon.

Hitpadved created the cosmos five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Hitpadved, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Hitpadved, he will turn you into a worm.

Hitpadved's most sacred site is Hongcun in China.

Hitpadved's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your arms.

2. Never talk about spacetime.

3. Do not take Hitpadved's name in vain.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.