Nurtzoghathun is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, tranquil lobster.

Nurtzoghathun created energy four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Nurtzoghathun, she will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Nurtzoghathun, she will turn you into an amoeba.

Nurtzoghathun's most sacred site is Mmankgodi in Botswana.

Nurtzoghathun's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear scarves.

2. Always pray immersed in water.

3. Always help sick mites.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Run away if three eagles approach from the south.