Japfenbap is a god.

She takes the form of a very heavy, dishonourable newt.

Japfenbap created humankind eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Japfenbap, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Japfenbap, she will turn you into a sheep.

Japfenbap's most sacred site is Katteri in India.

Japfenbap's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed pineapples to snails while wearing orange hats.

2. Japfenbap loves horses, so they must be honoured.

3. Never write about deoxyribonucleic acid.

4. Walk at least seven thousand metres per day.

5. Always wear black.