Ontyarlxuck is a god.

It takes the form of a minute, witty spider.

Ontyarlxuck created the planet Jupiter nine million years ago.

If you believe in Ontyarlxuck, it will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Ontyarlxuck, it will remove you from existence.

Ontyarlxuck's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Ontyarlxuck's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about the weak nuclear force.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate sheep.

3. Never mention dolphins.

4. Hide from yellow rats for they are unholy.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of platinum.