Taptarmin is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, generous swan.

Taptarmin created a charm quark five million years ago.

If you believe in Taptarmin, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Taptarmin, he will turn you into an amoeba.

Taptarmin's most sacred site is Questenberg in Germany.

Taptarmin's Holy Commandments

1. Do not hurt seals.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Do not kill voles.

4. Taptarmin must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.